Monday, August 3, 2015
I will probably always post here to some extent. Some things don't need to be broadcast on my Facebook page & yet still need to get out. I journal in my own handwriting too, but sometimes it's easy to get a thought out while at my computer & again, not needing it to be announced or even remotely cared about on Facebook.
Have I told you my dad passed away? Right before Christmas, December 20, 2014.. technically the 19th, but he wasn't declared gone until the 20th.. I think it's kind of interesting it happened at the turn of the day. He stepped from this life into eternity at the turn of the day.. seems appropriate. I didn't actually sit down to write about that.. Lord knows its everywhere else.
More sitting to once again say how much music still has a strong element that inspires me.. even in grief. I hear a song or intro to a song & I can see it put to imagery or a music video.. what is that? Part of a calling? I don't know. Music- one of the more natural things that comes to me, but rarely pursued. Sad. Same with writing.. sad.
Oh well. Real life means helping my husband fine-tune his resume & me gearing up for work at the school again this fall. Even though there is a new exciting adventure on the horizon- gonna be a good one. Soon.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Since no one reads this.. this will be where I vent. There used to be a website where you could post things anonymously to get it off your chest.. I need that.
But I'm not going to be your whipping child..
Saturday, November 8, 2014
11:13PM - The Wolves and the Ravens..
Well I've done better this year than in years past, w/ my posting. This tends to be a place where I can get my thoughts down & just be.
Listening to some really good music, at least in my opinion.. thinking on a lot of things. When I listen to really good music it brings me to a place of who I truly am. Really good music is really inspiring. It makes me want to go long boarding or go for a drive.. or create t-shirts.. or, or, or.. I need to remind myself to do THOSE things MORE. I think a lot of healing happens when we do those things that we are truly meant to do, because it brings peace & that's what God intended for us to do & be. It's when we deny ourselves those things & go long enough w/o pursuing our gifts, talents, callings, joys.. we begin to die. Like an eagle who was created to soar.. if he didn't, he'd never truly be an eagle. I mean sure by shallow definition, but not quintessence.
Music playing in my ears..
Of Monsters & Men
Birds of Tokyo
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Thank you LJ for always being there & always being awesome. Oh, & thank you for being from Beaverton!
Monday, April 7, 2014
10:31PM - Never was good at good bye..
Bah.. I always think I'm gonna stay away from livejournal & I just can't.. too many good & crazy memories. Too many good & crazy connections here.. so.. I'm around. The other links I posted suck, so don't bother. LJ is still the real, only deal w/ blogging for me. It just always feels "right" here. So there ya go. I'm here.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
12:14AM - parting is such sweet sorrow..
so livejournal.. you've been my faithful friend to tell all my secrets to for many, MANY years.. but our time has come to part ways. mostly its cos i'm having trouble w/ your site functioning & mostly cos i was hoping for a fresh start in a freshly new blog. to my friends who still frequent this blog, i love you.. no really, i love you. i've always loved you & i still love you. please follow me over here.. ---> http://www.empowernetwork.com/hardworki
here's to the next chapter.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
3:36PM - sing out His praise!
doing much better! i have to do better at speaking God's word.. cos it kicks the crap out of anything attempting to come on me & ruin my day, week, month.. life. huzzah! take that satan.. you suck.
it's awesome.. as quickly as i face whatever is trying to ruin my mood/day & speak God's word to it, over it.. at it.. how quickly it flees & how quickly joy immediately rushes back to me!
SO thankful for authority in Jesus & that i ALWAYS have someone w/ me that is infinitely stronger, more powerful, more holy.. more encouraging, more gentle.. & so much more.. than me & that i can feed off of Him b/c i have His very spirit living in me. so overwhelmingly awesome. AWESOME!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
11:34PM - wrestling..
half the time i don't know what to talk w/ people about lately. God has told me to be an encouragement & i've received that & am working on it.. suckily (not a word i know, but i don't really care) i think i'm under attack cos i've never felt this discouraged before. i've been in a funk for almost a week now & feeling this way is certainly not me. it comes & goes, but mostly comes.. & i'm well aware of it & extremely tired of feeling this way. i am an encouraging & positive person which is why feeling this way is really bugging me. i can't put a finger on where its coming from, but that i know its not me.
i know i'm tired.. which doesn't help & i'm PMSing which doesn't help either.. but its more than that. its heavier than that.. & i'm only posting b/c i don't think the people i normally talk to know how to help me. can i still be going through phases of grief? i have moments where i'm unsure if i've let myself grieve completely over past loss.. namely our son. i only bring him up b/c its still an extremely difficult topic for me. many times i avoid it or try to paint it in the most positive light.. when although GOD ABSOLUTELY was in all of that season.. its still too painful to dwell on. will it always be that way? have i not grieved enough? when does one know when you've grieved enough? am i not thankful enough for the MANY blessings in my life? including our wonderful twins & my step-daughter? i don't think that's the case.. i find myself feeling this way just after the new year for some reason. i know its cos i don't look forward to may 5th, but that's a lame way to start a new year. /shrug i've spent a good part of the last few days really asking God to show me the root of this.. & if it is grief or the lack of it.. then i need to let myself unwind & if its not, i want to be able to deal w/ whatever it is, w/ Him & take it one issue at a time.
thanks for letting me vent. it felt good to just get this out there.. thanks God that you read my blog & that i'm never alone & that you still touch & heal the deepest parts of me. it's always been just you & me.. as its always just you & everyone else. i love you, thanks for loving me.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
11:59PM - What I love about God..
What I love about God.. well, there are many things, but one thing specifically is how He is an everyday God- a God of the big & small moments. He is there & wants me to want Him to be there in my troubles & in my joys.
This was made abundantly clear, again, last night. My whole family & I had been in Sunriver for vacation & my husband had to leave a day early because of work. Not a big deal, but when it came time to go to bed I knew it'd take me a while longer, knowing he wasn't there. I wasn't afraid- I just sleep better when he's by my side. Then God reminded me that He was there. It was one of those still-small-voice moments.. where I heard him. Actually in my adult life.. He has reminded me often, at night, that He is near & He is awake. But last night I asked Him to help me get to sleep quickly, to stay asleep & wake up refreshed. No sooner had I audibly prayed that.. did I feel His presence. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace & warmth. I didn't ask to feel Him, cos I don't live by my feelings, but only He would know that for me to go to sleep quickly.. would I need to KNOW He was there by feeling His presence. Ever since I was a young girl, I was only able to go to sleep quickly if I knew someone else was awake- even now, if my husband is up later than me.. I drop off to sleep w/o any trouble. Unfortunately, because night time is my quiet time, I'm usually the last one to sleep. So last night when I asked God to help me fall asleep, only He, whom knows everything about me & loves me anyways (:)) would have known that what I needed was to KNOW He was there, allowed me to experience His presence & that He was awake & He was not going to sleep.. ever. :D I was so acutely aware of Him that I was almost overwhelmed & all I could say was thank you. Next thing I remember was waking up as the sun was coming in through my bedroom window first thing this morning.
As I am continuing to grow up.. I realize more & more that life is supposed to be lived just like this. Talking to God daily, hourly & from moment to moment.. cos He's there & if anyone can help us or share in our joy, its Him. He smiles when we acknowledge Him & He's only all too happy & ready to make Himself known & to love on us. Won't we let Him?
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
i love how i'm in a season where i don't even have to necessarily ask for the Lord's presence to be made manifest.. i could just be sitting at my dining room table working on my school work & His presence is all of a sudden tangible. kinda like how it is at the moment.. its not weird, its not all of a sudden BAM one minute i didn't feel Him & the next i did.. its more like an overwhelming sense of peace & love washes over me. then its quickly followed by complete joy- for no reason. :D
you're the best Abba Father.. & i love You too.. thanks for telling me You love me.
Friday, June 17, 2011
5:55PM - walking w/ God daily..
i'm learning (yes, still learning) how many times.. its not until there are no other options or i'm at the end of my rope that it frees God to more easily move in my life. unfortunately i like to pretend i know what i'm doing & that i don't really need His assistance.. when really i can't even begin to function w/o His help.
but anyways! my little family had another one of those.. "we aren't so sure how we're gonna make it through this week" sort of weeks.. financially. a little history- my hubby & i are whittling down our debt & are better planning for our future so our money stays tight cos we're trying to put anything extra to pay things down, but anyways.. we came to a spot earlier in this week where we'd come down to the end of ALL of our diapers- something we normally have plenty of, but for whatever reason we didn't & we didn't have money for a bulk purchase of them either.. so.. what do i do? i figure, oh we can put some on our credit card & then just pay it right off, but before i do anything.. i asked the Lord for some diapers. is that silly? heck no! nothing is too silly for Him. :D so i asked Him & thanked Him for always meeting our needs- as He always does. so.. time goes by the other day & it gets to the point where one of my babies NEEDS a diaper & it was the one i had left.. so i was REALLY feeling the squeeze to get some more.. so i do what i had set to do.. run to the store to get JUST enough diapers to make it another day or two, but not until the next paycheck.. so i feel pretty good knowing i'd 'fixed' the issue for now.. woo, go me. :D then not even an hour later.. my dad comes into the house (for those whom don't know.. my hubby & i live w/ my folks (for the time being) & have since our first baby was born & passed away) & my dad asks "what size of diapers do the twins wear?" & i said "size 5, why?" & he said "cos i've been cleaning out the garage & came across a bunch of size 5 diapers.." & i go "what?! :O" he said they were in a random bag of baby items, but we have no idea why we would have had them cos the babies haven't been in size 5's THAT long & its not like we bought them in the past & then put them out there.. so i laughed & immediately knew it was an answer to prayer! if anything i can think of, humanly, they could have come over w/ a bag of toys from a family friend & they were stow aways, but even then.. they were meant to be there & found the other day! seriously made my day! man, i love my Father.
i was just sharing w/ my mom how i truly feel like God wants us living like this daily! if we would only humble ourselves & realize how we really can't do anything apart from Him. if we'd just ask Him.. & seek Him first.. He is so poised- ready to answer & to help.. it brings Him such joy & His outcome is always infinitely better than what we could even think or imagine! and no, this doesn't mean sit on our brains & not use our own common sense & not to think for ourselves, but to honestly seek & ask Him all the time & especially when we face the impossible. we must remember that impossible is nothing ( :) ) when it comes to Him.
love you all.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Do you know how close God is to you? As close as your next breath or next heartbeat.. yeah that sounds horribly cliche, but its absolutely true. I've been in this funk for a few weeks now.. where I need a change of some sort, a change of I don't really know what, but I have felt the need for it like a weight.. for some time. Until a friend shared some extremely exciting news w/ me today.. it shook me out of my fog & instantly I was reminded that God is very active & I hadn't been seeking Him to clear the fog & honestly the news yanked my eyes off of myself & back onto others. DUH! OTHERS! I've missed being w/, praying for, encouraging others! But ANYWAYS, random tangent that was.. but God is close. I know that, I've known that for a long time. I was just having a great chat w/ my mom about a bible study shes doing & we began discussing the ever familiar topic of why some christians don't seem to be alive or aren't living an alive life.. in Christ I mean. And it was like the minute I began saying what I know the word says about being alive & being victorious & that many christians need to be constantly reminded, me too.. hence the funky fog, of these facts.. it was like the Holy Spirit (sorry non-christian friends.. I just dropped the H.S. bomb.. haha) was like "YES! Absolutely! What she says!" And instantly the presence of God was sitting in our kitchen. I mean, He dwells here, but isn't always experienced. I could literally or not so literally hear Him saying how we need to talk more like this- to get excited like this.. stir ourselves up more like this. Again, when you read about the Apostles/Disciples in the New Testament or Paul.. or any man/woman of the New Testament.. their lives were alive! They were radical! They walked w/ God daily & it showed in their lives. Jesus & His followers couldn't go anywhere w/o radical things happening. The world is at a place where its so desperate for that. It isn't even aware how parched it is b/c of its lack of Living Water. Anyways.. He's close.. He loves you & like me He wants to remove us from our fog, our pit, our bondage.. from ourselves.
Love you guys..
Friday, June 10, 2011
One of the coolest experiences I've had b/c of God has got to have been when HE provided a way for me to meet Brian 'Head' Welch from the band KoRn. No, it wasn't at a concert- I've never seen them live.. let alone was I a big fan or anything. I admit, I did like a few songs by them in H.S., but that was it. Anyways, a few years ago I had heard that Brian gave his life to God, left KoRn & was speaking out about his new found faith. I was immediately interested in hearing his story, b/c KoRn & what they stood for, was the furthest thing from God, in my mind, & to hear that their lead guitarist got saved was surprising to me. So, I find his testimony online somewhere & watch it & it was brilliant. It was brilliant b/c it was genuine & it was obvious Brian did have a real heart change. I will post the full testimony at the end of this blog entry. While I watched his testimony though, I heard God speak to me.. not audibly, but in that still-small-voice way & he said "I want you to encourage Brian.." & I remember thinking, "That was a weird thought! Where did that come from?" Then He said it again "I want you, Emily, to encourage Brian..." & I remember totally excusing the 'thought' & chalking it up to being my own thought or who knows what. Brian is famous, I wouldn't even know how to go about encouraging him or contacting him for that matter.
Time passed & honestly I didn't think anything more about Brian's testimony or what I had 'heard.' It wasn't until maybe a year later when I drove my younger brother back to college in Phoenix, AZ that I was reminded of what I was told to do. I had just gone through security at PHX & was preparing to walk to my gate to fly home. That's when I saw him. I had just put my shoes on & stood up & there, standing 30 feet away from me was Brian 'Head' Welch formerly of KoRn. He was casually leaning up against the wall like he was waiting for someone to come through security as well. Immediately God spoke to me again & said "Encourage him.." & that time when I heard it- there was no doubting it was God & that He had divinely purposed for our paths to cross & that there were no excuses now not to say something! :D Needless to say I was SURPRISED, but more than that.. I was overwhelmed w/ knowing this was totally God & that I had heard Him & that He did this for me to follow through w/. Anyways, so I walk over to him & he sees me out of the corner of his eye & he turns to me & right away I say something like, "Hi Brian, you don't know me, but I know you.. (haha!) my name is Emily & God told me to tell you He sees you & He is pleased w/ the decisions you've made & are making & He loves you.." That was basically it! He looked surprised, but he smiled genuinely & asked my name & shook my hand & honestly I don't remember if anything else was said.. but I remember walking away & turning back & he was watching me walk away & he smiled.. & I remember thinking "Man, I'm so lame!" I didn't think it was eloquent & it probably wasn't, but since then.. God has totally settled my heart w/ what was said & that what was said in the moment was perfect for that moment.
I've wondered if it meant anything to him or if he was at a low spot & needed a God moment of encouragement, but someday we may cross paths again & if not in this life.. I look forward to apologizing for my lameness & laughing w/ him in heaven. :D
Enjoy.. love you guys.
http://youtu.be/UZlgrT0hfjE part 1
http://youtu.be/Ja5SkMf9_qA part 2
http://youtu.be/BTCEYNe5vng part 3
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I have blogged for a long time & have kinda been on hiatus as of late, but I am now going to start something new. I am going to blog about certain events that have happened in my life that show God's workings. This isn't an attempt to brag on me, my husband or my whole family, but an opportunity to brag on God. Its also an opportunity to share & encourage others about how much God loves them & how much He desires to work in & through their lives. I'm hoping to show He is a very real God, a very active God & to show that He will go to great lengths to show us how good He is. It's less about me & more about Him & what He's done for us.
Jeremiah 29:11 NLT
"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Sunday, February 6, 2011
10:22PM - God is cooler than you think..
i've had a lot on my mind lately.. but even w/ that.. my mind tends to flow towards the Lord a lot these days.. & sometimes i don't even realize it.. i love that. i don't even go an hour w/o my thoughts turning to the Lord.. & its usually along the lines of "wow God.. whatever i'm experiencing is brilliant, thank you.." or "thank you God that you're always w/ me & you know exactly what i'm going through.." or "i'm so blessed.. man, this shower is fantastic- thanks for the hot water.." something has changed about me & i certainly didn't do it. :D
so.. thanks Father.. i can tell you're there- always. <3
also, i've been praying about direction for blogging.. cos i was prophesied over that i should be blogging.. something about it encouraging people & that God has anointed me for that.. :D!! so.. what i've heard from the Lord is that He wants me to share the things He's done for me.. like just quick, short stories about some of the really cool things i've experienced b/c of God.. sound cool? i thought so too. :)
i will keep you all updated as i post.
i love you all. did you know that God desires you to come to Him just as you are? you don't have to change anything about yourself or worry about what you've been into or are currently in to.. cos God knows the more time you spend w/ Him.. the more you will naturally change. for good & its all cos of Him.. do you wanna know Him? i can totally introduce you. i promise you, He already knows you.. more than you know yourself.
Monday, January 31, 2011
12:22AM - You are heaven- i am earth..
why am i always the most awake, the most alive at night? i should be winding down & going to bed, but many nights i am doing & feeling quite the opposite. btw do any of you, readers, take my blog seriously even though i lack proper punctuations, grammatical skills & such? ok. good. :D just had been meaning to ask.
i am the most inspired at night time. its probably b/c its the only time of day i have to myself, completely, & uninterruptedly. i'd like to play guitar right now, but that may wake everyone up. sure i could go out into the garage, but lets be real here- its FREEZING out there! haha. lame excuse i know.
i feel Jesus at night time.. & in the morning time &.. well in the middle of the night as well. again, its probably b/c i am still & my mind isn't too preoccupied. speak to me Jesus.. i am listening & i do hear You.. i heard You call to me today.. i'm sorry i didn't have a bunch of time for us, but thank You for multiplying what time we had. thank you for walking w/ me everyday & for being my best friend. oh, & thank you for being the answer to my everything. i know You are reading this right now, b/c i can quite literally feel Your smile.. my heart & my mind so frequently turn to You & thoughts of You & i know that's only cos of Your Spirit living in me that is working in me & gives me the desires to think of You & to be conscious of Your very real, very constant presence. thank you for Your love for me.. i am Your emily.. the one whom Jesus loved(s). :D i'm overwhelmed in Your love.. its so deep i could never touch the bottom & so wide i could never swim to its shore.. thank you that i get to dwell here forever.. thank you..
i am soaking Him in.. its night time right now & dark in the house & outside, but inside i'm as bright as day- even brighter. Abba.. Daddy.. i love You..
heh. i should go rinse out the gaping holes in my mouth & wash my newly re-pierced ear.. i'll most likely stall though & dance in the bathroom as i brush my teeth.. most likely while listening to mr. wickham, but that is nothing new.
am i bizarre? out of my mind? most certainly.. for my Love.
ps. He loves you too & His vast ocean of love is rushing towards you waiting to sweep you off your feet as well.. won't you let Him?
Monday, January 3, 2011
please hear my heart in this post.. its not meant to be vain or anything like that, b/c if any of you know me.. you know i've rarely if ever been all about me.. well, maybe when i was younger & immature.. but anyways- this is a post i've been meaning to make for sometime & its basically just for me. :D
quite a while ago.. i was looking at myself in my bathroom mirror.. i was probably brushing my teeth or flossing or something & i was taken back by how beautiful i had become.. not necessarily by worldly standards, cos i'm not a size 2 or even a 4, i don't have perfect teeth or even perfect skin, but something about me had changed- something about my countenance.. & the Lord spoke to me & said "you are beautiful.. i made you that way- for you are Mine & you shine w/ Me & it shows up as a radiance & as a natural beauty.. but its completely Me that has transformed you.. & is coming out in your looks even.." :D hehe!
that was well over a few years ago, but He reminds me every time i look in the mirror. its funny how i used to obsess over a little weight gain or a zit or something of that nature, but now i have a few gray hairs, a few wrinkles & yes, have a bit of extra weight post 3 babies in 2 yrs.. but i'm still beautiful! and i know it now- er i have known for sometime now. :) yes, my husband tells me all the time, but more than that.. i KNOW that i am b/c He makes me that way & thats more than any reassurance anyone in this world can give me. :D
thank You Lord for making me radiant.. if no one else.. i see it & have taken notice & am so thankful to look lovely b/c of You.. i am for You & for You to enjoy- i certainly enjoy You.. i often sense You smiling when i take notice of how You've changed me.. You do magnificent work.. all glory to You!
i love You.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
11:19PM - i'm comin' home again.
this is like the fifth post in a few days.. after another dry spell.. but i have something on the inside of me that needs to get out.. the only thing is.. i don't know what it is, but that i know its there & that it needs out!
feeling nostalgic tonight.. its probably the music, the hour & the new year.. side note: i was prophesied to the other day & it was all good stuff, but one of the things i was told.. was how i was to be blogging.. that 'deep was calling unto deep' & that God had put some things deep inside of me that He was bringing out & that would bless others through my blogging.. pretty cool. :) there was much more in what was said to me & what always excites me.. is when someone prophesies over me (its only happened a few times) its very specific.. specific to the point that NO ONE knows these things about me or my dreams/desires & then the Lord uses someone to speak to me & He uses them to speak to me, into those very personal, just me areas.. its cos God is very much involved in those personal, sensitive, very real areas.. the areas where you dream & pursue passions.. even if people don't understand me.. heck, i don't always understand me.. but anyways.. one very cool spot in the prophecy was when this woman speaking over me said that she sees God picking me up like a little girl & holding me close to Him. :*D and that i'm entering a season of intense intimacy w/ Him.. heck yes. i'll take it..
ps. i've been contemplating prophetic things.. do i post about them or are they private to the receiver? still considering this..
10:07PM - "she always wears blue.."
you know you loved dashboard confessional at the beginning of his career.. i remember his first show in portland.. oh yeah this was back when it was JUST chris & not a whole band.. it was mine & kenney's first ever date. :D so, i have other reasons to have a special place for him & his music.. joy was w/ us for that show & i can honestly say that was the only show i've seen just for the opening band- dashboard confessional. i think the headlining band was alkaline trio- not sure.. but anyways, i'm reminiscing b/c i was youtubing old bands i used to be into & came across a few DC songs. :D not only was DC's first portland show mine & kenney's first official date, but it was also the night of our first kiss.. no, that wasn't fast.. don't think *gasp* they kissed on their FIRST DATE?! we had been good friends for a year & had liked each other for a while.. so it wasn't like an 'outta the blue' type thing.. :D side note: it was followed by 4 years of dating & then 6 months of an engagement before we got married. :D happy story, i know. :D
when i listen to this music i can completely go back to how i felt in my early 20's & how i felt dating kenney & when i spent time w/ my good friends back in those days.. its weird now, i'm a mom & have my own kids yet i'm still very much in love w/ kenney & my feelings for him are exactly, if not stronger, than they were when we were newly dating.. i seriously pray i always feel in-love w/ kenney. i know realistically it won't always be that way, but i pray that it always stays passionate & wonderful & young. our love is young. :D meaning its willing to fight through anything to stay together & has almost a sense of being naive, but not in a negative way.. make sense? :D anyways, its a blessed love & a strong love. a love that originally comes from a loving Creator.. its b/c of His love that our love is so great.
so.. i'm done. sorry. :) ranting..
back when it was more like this.. granted this was more recent.. i saw him somewhere circa 2001/2002
the other day i had been driving by an old familiar place & unfortunately it wasn't a good familiar.. in fact it gave me anxiety. i hadn't wrestled w/ anxiety for a long time, but driving by this place brought it instantly back. then my natural response was to go back to those places in the past, via my mind & it was miserable. the people i'd hurt & not been a good example to or maybe made some shady decisions that led to hurting others deeper & its a place that i don't like to go back to.. so needless to say i suddenly felt very overwhelmed emotionally.. & as quickly as it came up.. as i quietly prayed "Lord help me.." an image of Jesus standing right behind me came into view in my mind. as clear as day.. He was just standing there, in a white robe. He said "just in case you try to look back behind you- to your past.. I'm standing here.. so if you do try to look back you'll only see Me. I also stand in front of you, on both sides of you & above & beneath you." which immediately i knew what that imagery meant.. cos i'd listened to a message on the star of david & how its a symbol of God's protection (even for our minds) for those whom belong to Him.. He surrounds us from the north, south, east, west, above & below! pretty cool huh? so, needless to say the anxiety left me & its been an awesome reminder that He stands in my past & He is all that matters about any season of my life.
Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)