Emz

please don't see me.. see the One w/ me..

2009-10-17T22:30:42Z

Lately I've been wondering how many more people would come to a faith & relationship w/ Christ if those of us whom know Him would just be more real.. weaknesses & all? It has been on my heart to genuinely lay down my life for others.. & to ask for forgiveness from those I've known for quite some time & whom have seen me in my best & worst.. all while calling myself a Christian. I need to do better in being more Christ-like & a lot less self-righteous. I'm sorry. I have looked back & I've seen the chances I've had to be Jesus to some of my closest friends & I failed. I have given people a warped example of something that is so amazing & so pure & so full of love & is so welcoming to anyone & everyone no matter what they're in or where they're at. I know God can take my lameness & still make Himself shine through it.. & thats my prayer. Don't see me- in my weaknesses or lack of knowledge or hypocrisy.. but see Him. I am no longer pointing to me.. but past me to Him. I don't want my past dream of seeing many of my friends in line waiting to see if their name was in the Lamb's Book of Life.. asking me "Em.. how come you didn't tell us more? More about this Life you knew.. Why didn't you stress MORE His love for us & that we needed Him as a friend..?" So please.. forgive me my faults as I forgive you all of yours.. & see the bigger picture- see past me to the very One that literally stands w/ me.. He stands by you as well.. He is currently knocking at the door of your life.. waiting for you to open it & welcome Him in. Its really that easy. Really..

The name of Jesus & believing is not always seeing.. or touching.. or tasting..

2009-10-17T22:29:29Z

I have been meaning to share something for quite some time now & have failed to do so- until now. There is so much I could share on the name of Jesus, but for now.. I just wanted to share what I'd heard from a woman a few years ago..

This woman was standing in her front yard watching her kids play in the yard & out in the street.. when she noticed a truck coming down the road. She watched as one of her kids was still out in the street- not aware of the oncoming truck. She quickly realized that the truck was coming up too fast that she'd never make it to her child in time & yelling at the child to get out of the way would take too much time as well. So she only did one thing- she yelled out "JESUS!" (not in a God's name in vain sort of way) & instantly the truck came to a screeching stop in front of the child. She ran up to her child to make sure they were ok & the driver of the truck got out to make sure everyone was ok as well.. & the truck driver said "I'm so sorry I didn't see your child! And when I did see them I didn't even have time to respond! I never put my foot on the brakes!" The woman instantly knew that God had intervened & needless to say.. so did the driver of the truck. I wish I remembered details or where I heard this story.. but its as true as you & I are here today. What I find is so cool.. is that, that woman didn't have time to pray or do anything like look up verses on 'how to stop a speeding truck..' but all she had time to do was acknowledge Jesus was there & that He could stop the truck. I've been meaning to write about that.. when was the last time we realized God's REAL presence in our lives? When were we last conscious of the actual reality.. that God is always present w/ us? There is power in just saying even Jesus' name.. & being aware of His presense.. its awesome- stinking awesome.

The other day I had my Ipod on shuffle & I have a few church messages on there & one of the messages came up.. & when the Ipod is on shuffle.. the messages are broken up into segments.. & the segment I heard the other day was totally God speaking to me. What stuck out to me & stuck in my heart was the line 'there is more than meets the eye..' I know He was reminding me that there is so much more going on that we can't see & just cos we can't see it- doesn't mean its not going on. :D I was talking to my friend Amz the other day.. & we were agreeing about how in this world we're raised that its normal to trust our 5 senses & I'm not saying thats a bad thing, BUT when we're raised to believe that, that is all there is in life- then we're seriously mistaken. We put too much stock in what we see, hear, smell, taste & touch.. we're taught that reality is the substance of ONLY those things.. what would happen if we changed our thinking & reminded ourselves of what the Word says about so much that is unseen? I don't mean this is all in any weird way.. I'm not about being mystical or anything.. but there is more than meets the eye. I have so much more to write on this subject, but its late. :(

Just gonna make a note to myself here too.. to share about what happened today at school.. in the lunchroom when I first came into work..

the cross- in a world of distraction..

2009-10-17T22:28:54Z

I'll have to make this quick cos I gotta go to bed, but this is what I see every morning when I first get to work. The lunchroom/old gym is dark.. all but the new cross on the far wall. Seeing it- moves me every day. The other morning I was turning on the lights- which actually take a while to turn on.. & I felt like God shared w/ me how the world & all it has to offer.. is like the lights that are turning on. They serve to be only a distraction from the ONE thing that brings REAL light- real life & as the lights turn on & get brighter.. the cross appears to lose its ability to hold our attention- my attention, but its still there- still illuminated as a reminder of what TRUE LOVE is, what true love does.. & WHO true love exists in the form of.. someday all those smaller lights will be turned off for good.. & the One, True- Light of the World will be the only thing shining.. until then- I'll enjoy my mornings in my lunchroom. :)

the cross

testimony of a double portion- was recently asked to type this up..

2009-10-17T22:25:14Z

Was recently asked for mine & Kenney's testimony to be typed up.. so this is what I came up w/..

Two years ago my husband, Kenney, & I found out we were pregnant with our first child. We had been married two years & were ready to start a family. The pregnancy was going smoothly until we received some devastating news at the twenty week, mid-pregnancy, ultrasound. I remember laying on the examining table & the ultrasound tech got really quiet & said she needed to talk to the doctor about something. Immediately Kenney & I knew something wasn't right. She later returned to tell us we needed to talk to the doctor- whom then informed us that our baby had some complications & abnormalities. During the forming & developing stages of early pregnancy- the baby had failed to develop kidneys. This meant that the amniotic fluid that the baby lives in & is produced by the baby- was extremely low to none. The lack of amniotic fluid also meant the babys lungs would not develop properly & therefore meant that the baby would never breathe on its own. We were told that this condition was called Bilateral Renal Agenesis or Potter Syndrome. After a second opinion & being told this complication wasn't compatible with life- we were advised to either have an abortion or induce labor & deliver the baby then.. which meant certain death as well. Kenney & I told the doctors we needed time to think about everything & that we believed in God & that He heals.

So time went on & we sought the Lord like we never had before. We had friends praying & sharing encouragement with us & scripture the Lord had laid on their hearts. Chapters & verses like Psa. 139 & John 11:4 & we clung to both of those. We knew in our heart of hearts that we could never end this babies life as long as its heart was beating. It wasn't what we wanted & we knew it wasn't what God wanted. Each doctors appointment we were reminded of the end result if we continued the pregnancy, but we chose to let the Lord have it & us. In the end- our baby lived in the womb longer than the doctors had thought. They thought with the lack of fluid that the baby would surely compress its own umbilical cord & pass away. Our baby lived 33 weeks inside of me & was born on May 5, 2008. Our son, Gabriel, not only lived longer than expected, but even lived an hour outside of the womb, on his own. After his hour with us passed- he went home to be with the Lord. He never made a sound, opened his eyes or struggled- just let us hold him until the Lord took him home.

Needless to say many questions followed our loss. Where did we miss it? Did I/we not have enough faith- the right faith? My husband & I drew near to each other & continued to seek God & we felt His presence consume us. Many people asked us if we were angry with God & that it was ok if we were. I never felt anger towards the Lord- even after the loss. I wanted to be angry & may have had moments where I was, because of my lack of understanding, but it never overtook me. I knew He was the ONLY reason Gabe lived as long as he did- had the time he had with us & sustained Kenney & I. How could I be angry? Because I didn't get what I wanted & believed? I wasn't angry- I had questions. I still have questions. I cried a lot & poured my heart out to Kenney & the Lord a lot. I still, occassionally, have moments of tears & missing our son, but I talk to the Lord & have felt His presence many times providing comfort. He reminded me of Matt. 11:28- where I'm told to come to Him if I am weary & He will give me rest & He did. He also showed me Psa 34:18 & how He is close to the broken hearted & saves those whom are crushed in spirit- so I knew He was close to Kenney & I & that brought great comfort. The Lord even spoke to me about how He understood a loss of a son- His only son & that our separation is only temporary as His was from His Son. He understood our broken heart & I remember thanking God for meeting us right where we were & that He knew our pain- personally.

And so went the season of sadness, questioning, & yet knowing God was still with us. Kenney & I received the "ok" from the doctor to begin "trying" again almost immediately. I think it was two weeks even- as long as we felt strong enough emotionally. We desired to have children & knew the Lord desired this for us as well. One month went by- two months... three months- at this point (even though in the bigger picture this time wasn't that long- it seemed like an eternity) I began to wonder when it would happen for us. When was I going to miss my period & have another positive pregnancy test. In the fourth month I attempted to take matters into my own hands- even after hearing my husband wasn't at peace about it & had told me it would happen in the Lord's time- Kenney is very wise- I know this now. :) I was literally in the Walgreens store looking for a certain thermometer that would tell me when I was ovulating. It was there, down that aisle, that I heard the Lord speak to me- "Just wait." I thought- "where'd that thought come from?" Immediately I knew it was Him. I put down the thermometer & walked out of the store. I got into my car & I remember saying to the Lord, out loud, "Ok- I'll wait." And then I went on a drive & talked to the Lord & thanked Him for being in control. It was that very same month that my period never showed & I received a positive home pregnancy test! There were tears of joy & new excitement & some apprehension from some early spotting that the doctors wanted to check. They checked my HCG levels to confirm that I was pregnant & not only was I pregnant- my hormone levels were so high that they assessed that I was far enough along to do the first vaginal ultrasound. It was during this ultrasound that they found some basic pregnancy issues that I needed to rest for AND that we were having twins! :D!! God had given us a double portion! I called Kenney right away & cried tears of excitement & joy. Kenney & I both felt completely overwhelmed with God's love for us & what He had given us- not to mention having twins!

After that- the pregnancy was pretty normal barring the early spotting & bed rest. At the 19th week appointment & ultrasound- we discovered that the Lord had blessed us with one boy & one girl! Just what our hearts had desired! They had all their parts & organs- specifically their kidneys & amniotic fluid. And on May 28 of this year- we delivered our twin babies! Their names are William Benjamin & Annie Kate. Will needed a little NICU time, but the Lord immediately covered that & we now have two, healthy, 4 1/2 month old twins at home with us! We are all rejoicing together & praising God!!

**************************************************

This all seems so surface.. even for a testimony- God has done so much in the past 2 years & there is so much that can still be said.. but this is definitely the major part. Hope it blesses the Lord & advances His Kingdom- showing His love, faithfulness & just sheer desire to go above & beyond anything to show us how involved He really is.

Love you.

Em & K

an absolutely perfect pair from God..

love w/o an end..

2009-09-28T16:17:37Z

I love to kiss our babies.. especially when they are asleep. There is something about how peaceful things are when babies sleep. This morning was one of those mornings where I came in to check on them & my heart immediately swelled w/ joy & love & awe- knowing these are our healthy babies & an excellent example of how good God is. As I kissed them & whispered to them how much I loved them.. the Lord spoke to me & said "I do this same thing to you.." & instantly I caught a glimpse of Him kissing me on the cheek while I sleep & whispering to me "I love you so much.."

fresh coffee & still wearing my glasses..

2009-07-13T16:20:51Z

lately i find myself having a hard time going back to sleep after waking up for the middle of the night feeds.. & last night wasn't any different. i laid there listening to the babies breathe & making their little noises & it made me think about how if i didn't have them.. i'd certainly get more sleep & be able to do whatever, whenever i wanted.. but i don't want that anymore- i wouldn't trade this new world of sleep deprivation & house arrest (i mean that lovingly) for anything.. i really wouldn't. these babies have instantly become my new favorite thing & really i can't find the words to say how they make me feel & how much i just absolutely adore them both. i can't wait for them to talk.. i'd love to talk w/ them- for now.. i'll just talk at them. :D

hey babies, momma loves you.. <3

thank you Jesus for my wonderful life- "in Your presence God.. i'm completely satisfied.. for You i sing- i dance.. i rejoice in this divine romance.. i lift my heart & my hands to show my love.. all for You.."

no matter what this day will bring.. i will lift my hands & sing.. oh be my everything..

2009-07-07T23:34:51Z

as i've been sitting here enjoying my black beans & rice & peace & quiet during the babies nap time.. i've been thinking about how having babies has really taught me a lot about myself. my biggest thing is that i've come to realize how selfish i have been.. having babies quickly curbs that & i'm thankful for that. where i used to be all about myself- i'm now all about my children & more about my husband. i should clarify.. my selfishness isn't necessarily a negative kind, but having kids really has made me realize how my life is no longer my own & how responsibility has become a bigger staple in my life. the babies make our life more complete.. oh & the laughter & joy they bring. even though kenney & i both think the babies intentionally make a lot of noise when we're kissing or praying.. it always makes us laugh & we wouldn't trade that for the world.

we constantly remind ourselves how blessed we are & how far things have come in the last year. from brokenness to restoration.. these babies are a constant reminder of God's faithfulness.. & i need to continue to remember that.. especially in the middle of the night feedings & painful gas sessions & on days where i can't even remember sleeping..

life truly is good. thank you Jesus.

baby <3 (photos!)

2009-06-25T00:28:33Z

daddy (kenney) & annie <3

momma (me) & annie <3

fav one.. annie looks so annoyed w/ me here.. <3

momma & will <3

fav of will.. :D

busy, busy

2009-06-23T21:11:35Z

everyday everything w/ the babies gets easier & easier. :D they're so much fun to look at.. especially when they are sleeping.. we're waiting for them to put on some GOOD weight before we take them out into big crowds (especially Will) they are well into being 6 lbs, but we're waiting until they're 8 lbs to really go out for longer periods of time. we're gonna have an open house/pot luck soon so people can come here & bring food & see the babies.. i will keep everyone posted.

love u all.

xo

a BIG day!

2009-06-20T18:27:54Z

Will coming home today! YAY! The doctor called just a bit ago & said he passed all his 'going home' tests & he was circumcised just a bit ago.. which the doc said he wasn't too happy about. :D

Taryn is here too.. so we will have the WHOLE family here. :)

<3

check it out

2009-06-16T21:40:22Z

love, love- LOVE this video..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbdxzSHn-QM click on the link..

:D

<3

2009-06-14T20:08:06Z

i have never felt so much love like i do these days.. & its not necessarily the hormones. haha. cos i'm not b-feeding right now..

some moments the love is so much i can't take it.. i'm immersed in a sea of love & all i can do is take it in.. is this what love filled to the top & overflowing means? i am trying to find words to put to these emotions, but really there aren't any. i wish i could bottle this & share it w/ the world.. i'd making a gajillion dollars.. but i wouldn't want it.. i just want others to know that there is a love & a peace that surpasses ALL understanding.. & i hope i never stop experiencing this..

it has been on my heart for quite a while now..

2009-06-14T18:53:33Z

I know the saying 'Jesus loves you' is or seems so cliche, but it has been on my heart so much lately to say.. He loves you & me so much.. 'There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.' John 15:13 NLT.. & Jesus has so showed that.. He doesn't care what we've done or are into, but He loves us today- He loves us right now.. in just the shape we're in. We must not miss out. All we have to do is take two seconds & thank Him for what He has done & tell Him we're sorry.. its so simple, but has such an eternal impact.. please don't miss out.

xo

baby videos

2009-06-11T00:08:54Z

kenney feeding will my b-milk..

our peanut annie.. :D

baby

2009-06-01T13:34:48Z

saturday morning girl time while daddy sleeps..

this is little annie :D

i will post one of Will when i visit him this afternoon.

BABIES!

2009-05-31T05:56:08Z

our babies are here! i'd post more, but i'm exhausted.. beyond words.

they were born on may 28th..

annie kate born @ 1036pm was 5 lbs 7 oz 18 in long
william benjamin @ 1037pm was 5 lbs 13 oz not sure how long..

both cried immediately, but then will needed & still needs extra TLC from a better NICU in portland..
& annie kate is perfect.

i will post photos later, but u can take my word that they're gorgeous & perfect.

<3

one more week

2009-05-28T13:35:52Z

37 wks today & SO beyond ready to have the babies.. if for only the sake of my body. one more week at the latest.. thank you God- cos i don't think i can last another week.. i have my last doctor appointment today too- wahoo! i will actually miss everyone in the office cos i've been in there so much in the last 2 years..

anyways, i'm going to bed.
<3

36 wks & counting..

2009-05-22T01:40:14Z

Kenney & I went to our 36 wk appointment today & had our last ultrasound/growth scan done. Everything is fantastic! Babies have grown SO much.. which so has my tummy (in girth not weight.) Ok, so remember 4 wks ago..? Annie (twin A- down low) was weighing a tad smaller at 3 lbs 13 oz or something like that? Well- shes now 5 lbs 4 oz! & Will is 5 lbs 7 oz! Drea (our doctor) thinks they will easily make 6 lbs by June 4th!!!! This is such great news, cos on average twins weigh 5.5 lbs at delivery. WOO-HOO! Drea said shes so proud of my body & the babies for doing so well & so proud of Kenney for taking care of me so well too. Everything is still perfect w/ the babies.. w/ fluid & growth & everything. I did have my cervix (sorry boys) checked.. & I am actually 75% effaced! So things are progressing right now & Drea said it could be any day or still be June 4th, but that I'm definitely in the place that it could happen anytime! Also my blood pressure is perfect & everything else they check is perfect as well. I haven't gained any weight since last week.. which means I'm not retaining any extra water- than what is normal & no signs of preeclampsia! Thank you Jesus! Drea also measured my tummy just for fun & I'm measuring 50 wks! Which, even in a single pregnancy is 10 wks bigger than how big the average woman goes! So I think to call it a growth spurt.. is an understatement! :D GO ME! And thank you so much Jesus for such a great pregnancy so far!

My doc did say that I will be the most uncomfortable & in 'pain' these last 2 weeks- as the babies continue to grow & told Kenney to show me lots of grace (which he has), but that it will be over soon. I'm not concerned about it.. I just hope time goes by fast.. & I need to get serious about getting hospital stuff together. :D

YAY!

I think thats it.. love you all & thanks for the prayers.

Em

almost to the end..

2009-05-21T13:11:11Z

a-yes-uh. i've made it to 36 weeks today! this is one of the huge milestones at the end! my tentative due date & scheduled c-section is exactly 2 wks from today. :D i can't believe how far i've come- actually yes i can, cos God is good. today is my last u/s & second to last baby appointment before they arrive.. :D

whew.. must keep resting,,

cinco de mayo/not what you think

2009-05-05T07:59:13Z

my bones ache tonight. not all my bones- just those that support the babies in any way, shape or form. any ligament thats in my nether regions ache too. its ok.. just a little bit longer. :)

can't believe its been a year today. last year at this time i was just starting to go into labor.. what a wonderful & difficult day that was last year. kenney & i both dislike seeing commercials about cinco de mayo & beer or anything of that nature.. cos its not cinco de mayo in that regard for everyone..

we miss you baby boy, but we're so thankful that we have a hope & a future & we will see you again someday soon. daddy & i love you very much & you will always be our new babies big brother. happy birthday gabriel.. see you soon.

<3

BABIES! (33 wk check-up)

2009-05-01T01:43:51Z

Ok.. so.. :D Everything is great w/ our little babies! Little Annie is weighing 3 lbs 13 oz (3 oz shy of 4 lbs) & Will is weighing 4 lbs 4 oz. Drea (our doctor) said the babies are a great size for their age & for my body size as well. :D Annie is our Twin A.. the lowest twin in me & she is still breech so the doctor said we are going to plan for a c-section, but she can still flip- the doctor would just rather all the doctors & nurses be prepared for a c-section.. but that I can plan for a 'natural' style if Annie flips. Will is vertex (head down, but kinda bending over..) so not favorable either. I don't really mind.. I wanna do whats best for the babies! They both have good fluid & are still growing well & at our last appointment the little girl was measuring 17% smaller than our boy, but now shes catching up & is only down 12%- which the doctor said is totally perfect & in the healthy range. We even got to see both babies practice their breathing.. pretty cool! So.. Drea doesn't want me going over 38 wks (full-term for twins) so our 'planned' due date is going to be Thursday, June 4th. The doctor has said I really have no reason not to make it 38 wks, BUT if they did try to come early.. she'd like to see me make it 35 wks to deliver w/ her at Meridian Park, but if they insist on coming in the next week or week & a half.. then I'd deliver at St. Vincent. :D YAY! Thank you Jesus for such a great report & healthy babies!

I'm just supposed to rest & really take care of & pay attention to my body from here on out. Thanks for the prayers & encouragement everyone. :D

Love you all.

today is the greatest

2009-04-12T06:36:07Z

taken on 4/11/09.. i'm 30 wks & 3 days here.. :D i'm blessed that all the weight is out front & not really anywhere else.. & no more bare belly photos.. no one really wants to see stretch marks anyways.

happy easter everyone!

its all b/c of jesus.. i'm alive!

will & annie

2009-03-26T20:01:10Z

this isn't the best quality cos its my cell phone, but until we find our digital camera (since we moved).. its all i've got..

enjoy.

babies moving @ 28 wks.. last night at 2am. :D

baby update from todays appointment

2009-03-18T00:20:59Z

Both twins are in unfavorable positions if they were born today.. so I'd need a C-section.. BUT they have plenty of time to keep moving around. Twin A (the lowest twin) is sitting breech now & sitting low.. & twin b is laying transverse (sideways) & practically sitting on his sisters head. :D Both babies are doing great! I'm doing great as well- blood pressure is perfect as is my weight gain & everything 'else' they check. :) Both babies eyes are now open & they can hear things outside of the womb! Thats way exciting! No new photos cos the babies are facing inside of me. The doctor tried to take a few photos of hands & feet, but each time the babies would then hide them. Haha. I'm so excited to meet them! But I know they need to 'bake' a bit longer. Oh, & I measured being 36 weeks along tummy size wise, but I'm only 27 weeks along babies age wise.. so there ya have it.

monday

2009-03-09T16:09:23Z

i was reading the Word last night & came across how it says to love God or show we love God is to love others.. & most of the time that seems relatively easy.. but there are a few people that i know are hard to really love.. for me & its those people that i know is what this verse refers to. its easy for anyone to love people that love them back or to love those that are easier to get along w/.. but its the people that grind us or the people that we flat out don't like that we are called to really love..

i really struggle w/ this.. i'd like to say i love everyone & most of the time i try to, but there are a few people that i don't know what to say to them or how to say things to them that DO need to be said cos it is something that affects me & my little family.. but how do i say it so that its in love & not criticism or in meanness?

i know this is pretty vague.. i'm just venting..

anyways, i can't even begin to tell you how moody this pregnancy has made me! one minute i'm one person & the next minute i'm not.. its really weird.

i'm ready to not be working too.. soon enough though.